2007 was a life-changing year. Let me just say that I was a happily single woman, 50 years old and had been single for 16 years !!!! I was finally happy being single (trust me, I had had my share of good and bad relationships); had plenty of friends to spend time with and I was financially secure. I was building my dream home. It was my little home in a golf community where all the homes are craftsman-style with rocking chair front porches and people ride their golf carts to get around. I spent 8 months building my dream home and was in the process of building when I met DickHead (my husband, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent, will be known as DH).
I was and still am a Realtor. I always said that if I were to meet a man that he would have to come to my front door. Well, guess what… I put my home on the market in March 2007 because my new dream home would be ready in July. Well, guess who wanted to buy my home … DH purchased my home!!!! He was newly single (divorced) and pursued me like no other (now that’s a joke). Since he allowed me to stay in my house until July when my new house was completed, I wanted to thank him by asking him over to dinner after we closed on his house (which was my house). He came over with a beautiful basket filled with dinner wine, dessert wine, chocolate, and flowers.
Oh, he was such a nice man. And, did I mention he was an attorney AND a Judge. Yes a Judge; those people we hold high. Well, looking back, that gave him such instant credibility. I had never met a Judge before, someone who wears the black robe, someone who sits at the courthouse making decisions about people’s lives everyday. Wow ….
We continued to get to know one another by writing emails multiple times a day (we didn’t text in those days). I kept all his emails and some of them are quite sexy and dirty, but it was fun. He told me how he was patient, loving, never holds grudges, rarely gets angry kind of man.
We spoke about his marriage and I found out that he had been married 3 times! Yikes, but wait, he must be an honest man being a Judge and all. I listened intently as he summed up his wives as: #1 – they were just too young, #2 – the bitch who had his 2 children, #3 – crazy, bi-polar and spent all his money and would I be wife #4 – Perfect? He told me I was so attractive to him because I was financially secure, so good about managing money, intelligent, cute, and just down-right cute. Oh, how he went after me. And, Oh, how I fell for him.
And, silly me, I thought being his 4th wife, he would want to make it work and would try harder. As I found out, being wife #4 meant he could throw me out faster than any other wife. He was so used to going through a divorce that another “notch” in the divorce list was a trivial thing.
October 17, 2007, we were married in Savannah on Columbia Square. The Chief Judge married us and all of his peer Judges came and watched our ceremony … For Better For Worse …. Til Death … It was quite the night of champagne at the Pink House and more ….
He didn’t want to live in his house (which was my old house) because he said it was too small with he and I, my 2 dogs and my 2 cats. We ended up selling my dream home in the country club in February 2008 for a $50,000 loss (yes, I took that loss for the love of my life). He couldn’t live in my NEW house because it wasn’t in the same county where he was a Judge and he had to live in the same county!
So, we bought a BIG, beautiful home in July 2008. Yes, I put all my money into the home, not his. I put 89% of the down payment and he put 11% of his money into our BIG, EXPENSIVE HOME. Remember, DH had been divorced 3 times, so he really didn’t have much of anything. He did have almost $1 million dollars in liabilities with his office building he owned, a river house for entertaining his clients, and now our home.
DH and I settled into our new home, our new life. We had wonderful parties with 50-70 people, even a policeman who helped people park their cars and supervise the outdoors while we partied indoors. But, the economy was not kind to us and we had a couple of VERY tough years financially. His business went down-hill; so did mine. We argued about money, but I kept positive knowing that we would get through all of this.
October 2010, the silver lining of the cloud began to shine. He had been offered a job at the county with over 100 people working for him. A regular salary, health insurance, and 8-5 Monday through Friday job. We were truly blessed. He got his staff (his deputy, administrative assistant (ends up being the whore secretary) and his managers) all in place over the course of the next year.
2011, life was looking good although DH had a few loosed ends to wrap up. With the new job, he had to close his attorney business, sell the office building, sell the river house, etc. Lots of changes for him. He had had big dreams and plans with his attorney business and he put all that behind. He sold his office building at a loss and we took money to closing. His partner quit paying on the river house and stuck us with a mortgage of over $3000/month PLUS our own. We ended up doing a short sale of the river house.
As the summer of 2011 came to a close, those things were behind us and we planned a backyard renovation with a 750 square foot patio, screened in porch, new grill ($1700), painted the home inside and out, and in October 2011, put in a Wolf range and hood in the kitchen ($7000) because my hubby wanted a new range ever since we had bought the home. My Dad, being 92 years old, had passed away (God Bless My Dad, the Greatest Man I Know), so we were going to use some of the inheritance for the renovations and to get away to Italy and have a great time together. At least, that’s what I thought.
According to the phone records, he started texting his whore secretary in August 2011. And, that’s about the time I felt like he was drifting away. He didn’t want to do anything with me and it seemed like he kept bringing up the same arguments over and over again. We argued more and more; I felt like he was picking arguments with me.
But, I honestly thought that maybe he was going through some depression because of the change of job, loss of his business, and maybe a bit of a mid-life crisis as he was approaching 60 in 2012. It NEVER crossed my mind that he would be unfaithful with Wife #4. He had been a Judge; he also had to run for re-election in 2012. He held a public office position.
A great deal of my pain stems from how he treated me from August 2011 to May 2012 when I caught him coming out of the motel with his whore secretary. He picked fights, he made me actually feel like I was going crazy sometimes. I kept asking him, “Do you Love Me, Are You Having an Affair, Do You Want a Divorce”. Multiple times, his answers were “Yes, I love you, NO, I do not want a divorce, and NO, I am not having an affair”. Those 3 phrases are burned into my brain and make me literally sick to my stomach every time I think of it.
How can a man be so cruel? 10 months of total hell not knowing, not understanding what was going on. I became a doormat trying to make him happy. I KNEW he wasn’t happy, but I had no idea it had anything to do with me or tossing me out for wife #5!
So, that’s the beginning of my story; the basis of my blog because when he asked me for a divorce on April 1, 2012, he said, “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore; I want a divorce”…. I still at that point did not believe he was having an affair.
Maybe, I can learn how to detect these things before they go too far. Or, maybe, I can learn to be more aware of my husband’s actions and make sure they match what they say. Actions speak louder than words …
Today, my divorce is still pending in the courthouse where he works and the saga goes on.
Thank you for reading and listening without judgment for these are very painful and hurtful times. I feel like I got hit by a Mack Truck and never saw it coming. I am so broken and it hurts so bad. What adds to the hurt is that DH never looked back, never gave me a second chance or never gave me the consideration to listen to me and talk to me about all of this. He is now living with the whore secretary and I am still in my BIG, BEAUTIFUL, EXPENSIVE home wanting so much to have never met the Judge in my life. He could have kept that graval and black robe to himself.