2 Years Today …

I know I haven’t posted in a very long time, but I do read everyone’s blog and comment here and there.  I guess I don’t feel like I am a very good writer.  When the moment strikes, I say to myself, “I need to blog this”, then by the time I get to the blog to write, it has kind of left me, so I don’t post anything.

I want to really thank everyone in this community because you have been life savers for me at times.  I would read and re-read your blogs and they were so comforting to me to know I was going through what you were going through.   And to see the ones that have been able to successfully move on was very comforting.

Today, it’s been 2 years since my husband moved out of my bedroom and into the spare bedroom.  Can you believe it? 2 YEARS !!!  It’s been 2 years since I made love to my husband, which we were doing almost every day in May 2012.  And, it was 2 years ago today, that I filed for divorce siting the cause, Adultery. And it was 2 years ago, when I sat there and watched my husband coming out of a cheap motel with his secretary on a Saturday morning!

It’s been a long journey and my journey still continues.  He moved out in March 2013 to go live with his secretary.  August 2013, my divorce was final.  I feel pretty good about the divorce settlement; I got alimony and I got some money to go towards attorney fees of $40,000.  The secretary whore continues to live with her public-elected official boss in a rental house.  I still feel that it is SOOOO WRONG that a county official can live with his secretary since he is the one who pays her and gives her her reviews.  I just don’t understand how the County doesn’t see that as a “Conflict of Interest”.  I wouldn’t think she would have to work very hard; yet continue to earn that big salary being his Executive Assistant.  But, I can no longer let his life dictate mine.  That’s it in a netshell.  In the last 2 years, I have turned to God and my faith has strengthened me.  I just love that.  And, maybe, all this was meant to be to bring me closer to God (since I found out that my husband did not believe in God, which he lied to me about when we got married).  He lied to me on our second date when I asked him if he had ever cheated on any of his other wives.  I found out later that he had cheated on wife #2 and not sure about wife #3, who he always said was crazy.

I now have the marital residence up for sale.   As part of the divorce, I was given the house, but I have to get the ex-husband’s name off the mortgage or sell the house within 9 months of the divorce.  The house is like 5000 square feet.  We bought it so he could entertain all his friends, who were Judges and Lawyers and now I am stuck with getting it sold.

I am building a new house; a ranch with a bonus room.  It’s modest, but absolutely perfect for me.  But, I have to sell this house to get my equity before I can buy my new house. That is giving me a lot of anxiety, but I try to leave it to God to care of.  It’s funny how I never really had anxiety before all this started.  Now, it is a part of my daily life.  I am getting older, so maybe that has something to do with it too.  But, I manage by praying and a Xanax every once in a while (smile).

I am also one of the Facilitators at my church for DivorceCare.  It’s a 13 week program to help people who are going through divorce or contemplating it.  You can get more information on this program by going to http://www.DivorceCare.org.  Put in your zip code and it will tell you where your groups meet.  I have met some really wonderful people in DivorceCare.  I’ve actually been through it 3 times.

I read a lot; I think to try to put some resolution in my mind as to what happened.  It’s mind boggling to me that a man could be so deceptive, so mean, and fucked me over so well.  I was so fooled because he was a Judge when I met him, so I just believed everything he said.  I am so disappointed that it was my 2nd marriage and it failed miserably.  I wanted to try and make it work, but by the time I found out my marriage was in trouble, he had already moved on.  So, I still struggle with all of that.

But, for the most part, I truly believe that things work out for the best.  Why would I have wanted to waste more time on someone who doesn’t believe in God, lies, cheats, etc?  So, I think once I sell this house and get into “MY” cute house, I will think about all of this less and less.

In the meantime, some days, I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and others feel pretty normal.  I never wanted to be divorced, but I had no choice.  And since then, I have learned so much: (1) about having good relationships, (2) a lot of mistakes I made, (3) my spiritual growth is amazing.

Since 2 years ago when he moved out of the bedroom, we have never spoken to one another.  He never repented, never said he was sorry … NOTHING.  And even now, I only get letters from his attorney if he wants something.  I’ll close for now but I think what I struggle with the most is that “forgiveness” thing.  I just can’t seem to get there.  And, that fine line between vengeance and justice is still looming …

Thanks again for all you being there. – Joan

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1 Response to 2 Years Today …

  1. tryinghard says:

    Hi Joan
    Glad to see you’re back to blogging. I started to blog but I never published anything. Trust me I could write a book. I’m a little further along 3 years and my husband and I have reconciled. It’s been a tough road but I don’t think one is harder than the other.

    Maybe once you are out of the home you shared with him and in your new home you will be able to forgive. Not for him but for you. Maybe you are still living with too many ghosts in that house to be able to forgive. I have found that forgiveness comes in layers. Sometimes I will backtrack and have to forgive for the same thing all over again but generally it’s coming.

    I think also you finally not care a hoot about him or your need to forgive him. You know you really don’t have to forgive to move on. You do have to not care though….just sayin. Maybe learning to not care has less strictures on it than forgiveness. I know I haven’t forgive the OW, but I have finally reached a point where I just don’t care to even give her any more of my precious brain space. For me that was huge.

    Good luck to you and keep writing. It helps to get it off your chest.

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