Contempt of Court – Violation of Mutual Restraining Order

When you get divorced in my State, you sign a “mutual restraining order” when you file for divorce.  That restraining order is supposed to keep husband and wife, soon to be X, in line, so that no harm is done to either party during the course of the divorce.

Broken Trust

Ummm… no harm done.  Harm has already been done when the divorce papers were filed and my husband had been out fucking around, then lying to my face that he wasn’t for almost a year.

It says, “Restraining each party from maltreating, vilifying, intimidating, molesting, or harassing the other party.

May 2012, I hired a PI who has my husband on video coming out of the motel on a Saturday morning with the whore secretary “arm in arm” while DH (husband) says he was sleeping at his daughter’s home.  Given that I was so hurt, that in September 2011, I put the video on YouTube (yes, it’s still there and it’s not going anywhere).

In December 2012, I wrote a customary Christmas letter to my friends to tell them what an eventful year this had been.  My husband got a new job with the county supervising 105 people (including his whore secretary) and that, “oh, BTW”, my husband is having an affair with the secretary (left out the whore part) and we were pending divorce.  Thought that was applicable for a Christmas letter.

December 21, 2012, I get a letter from my attorney: CONTEMPT OF COURT has been filed AGAINST you for your Christmas letter !!!  OK.  So, now, it’s June 2013 and I get to go to court to because I put the video on YouTube AND I wrote a Christmas letter.

I admit, I was feeling a little scared this morning, but there’s nothing like a little Xanax to take that edge off.  I met my attorney at the courthouse an hour early so we can go over the testimony.  My attorney was confident that: (1) I have only taken what my husband has done and shared it with others, (2) I have in no way threatened him to DO anything to him, (3) I only commented on what he has done and is doing, (4) I was REPORTING on what he does openly and continues to do, (5) I never lied, (6) have I lost my right to free speech?

9:00am: Ready to head to Courtroom 1A (didn’t get a glimpse of the whore secretary).  They brought in a Senior Judge because no Judge in our county would listen to our case.    We get settled in our chairs and DH’s attorney, Mr. Menopause (see my Characters to find out more about him), asked the Judge if he can speak with my attorney.  They leave and then in 5 minutes, my attorney sticks his head in and motions for me to come out of the courtroom.

What happens next is unbelievable to me.  My attorney tells me that they want to drop all contempt charges and just forget about all of it and go home.  Except, by the way, I need to take the video off the internet.

You would think I would be happy, but what I felt was anger, disappointment.  I was pissed.  I spent all this time getting ready for court (I’ve NEVER testified for anything before in my life and I am 57 years old).  They are the ones who filed and now they want to drop it!!!  How dare they?  This was my chance to tell the Judge what an ass my husband was.

As far as taking the video off the internet of DH coming out of the motel with his whore secretary, NO WAY, NO FUCKING WAY, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Well, that was my day in court at least for now.  Disappointed, again, my husband gets off free and clear, no harm done.  And for me, I’m sure another 100 gray hairs, frazzled nerves, and yet another day where I feel like I am in some other universe, not accomplishing anything worthwhile on this earth.

I spoke to my attorney for about 30 minutes afterwards and clearly he doesn’t understand.  Who does understand what all this betrayal feels like?  I know some of you do.  My attorney then texted me, “I know you want the world to know what DH did.  You do know that if we don’t settle in mediation, we can have a jury trial”.

I can’t quite put it into words, but my attorney doesn’t get it.  I’m not sure I want the world to know how bad DH behaved…. maybe what I really want is for DH to believe how badly he behaved.  That some reality of his would come about.  I used to think he was such a wonderful, loving person.  And now, I am a shell of a person and he gets to move on un-scarred.  Maybe, that’s it.  I don’t’ think many people understand what this kind of betrayal can do to a person’s soul.  It haunts you.  You never know when it’s going to hit.  And, I still can’t get HOW someone like DH could be so selfish to do this to me.  It’s not only what he did (the affair), it’s how he treated me so mean for 10 months while he was having an affair and how I was in such pain trying to make this man happy.  How do you or can you make yourself whole again after this.

I blame myself for being so stupid not to see it and to have taken better care of me — how dare I let a man do such controlling…  That’s another thing,  I just want to SQUELCH him because of all that controlling he did to me.  I am not a damn doormat anymore.  And, that’s why that video is going to stay on YouTube forever.

I would certainly appreciate any comments on how you go from feeling like a shell to a real, whole person who can again conquer the world alone ….  thanks for listening…

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.  Isaac Asimov

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Where is the Freakin’ “Marriage Manual”?

For Women Onlyby Shaunti Feldhahn

My Book Review, “For Women Only”

This book was an eye-opener.  Easy reading.  I would actually take the book with me to the park and read while I was walking.  Wish I would have read this book before I got married.  Even though I was in my 50′s when I got married, I had been single for 16 years and really had no experience in marriage.  Funny to say, “Experience in Marriage”.  And, my lack of experience or knowledge seemed to have led to a miserably-failed marriage, i.e., betrayal, infidelity, dishonesty, and the list goes on.

I would highly recommend this book and if you are a guy, there’s a book for you, too, called “For Men Only”.

I look back on my marriage and see how ill-equipped I was.  I didn’t really understand what makes a marriage work nor did I understand that there were resources out there that could help.

What’s really funny is that I thought my husband would teach me the ways.  My goodness, he had been married 3 times and I was wife #4 (thought his “final” wife).  He would certainly know by NOW how to make a marriage work!

How absolutely foolish of me that was,  Are you kidding?  How Did That Work for You (as Dr. Phil puts it).  But, really, I believed in my husband, probably too much.   I put him on a pedestal.  I thought what he knew about relationships would carry us through to a blissful marriage.  DH was … oh, so convincing that I was the woman of his dreams.  He truly swept me off my feet.  He told me I was the only one for him, blah, blah, blah.  He made all those vows to provide for me and love me the rest of our lives…. (blah, blah, blah)

But, guess what?  DH never had a clue either as to how to make a relationship work and I don’t think he understood what real intimacy was.  His solution was to go find another model and that he did, and no less than the whore secretary at work.

Think about this.  I spent more than 17 years in school, being educated and not 1 class on marriage!  Oh, I had the math, calculus, statistics, accounting, English, French, on and on, but not one class on marriage.  OK, I suppose that means that we learn from our parents.  I don’t know about your parents, but mine were married for 42 years (Bless my Mom and Dad, I loved them dearly; they are in heaven now).  Was it a blissful 42 years?  Hell no.  But, they were in it for the long haul, so I guess I learned that if you were married, you were dedicated to the marriage.  NOT!  DH and I were only together 4 years, married 5 (he has been with the secretary whore now for over a year).

Marriage requires work and connection.  I don’t think I ever really grasped what that meant.  It doesn’t mean hard, grueling work that at the end of the day, you would cry from heartbreak (however, I did that on numerous occasions).  It’s a different kind of work. When both of you are doing that “work”, it’s probably not work at all because it’s gratifying, fruitful, and fills you up with joy.  Maybe, it’s simply called “Communication of the Hearts” and to make time to go have fun with each other.

I think this book actually tries to define what it means to be a husband and a wife and what we should be striving for.  It gives us the very basics when dealing with men.  I especially liked the chapters on (1) Sex and What It Means to be Visual and (2) Respect.

In looking back, I guess we both messed up pretty badly.  The only difference between him and me is that I wanted to discuss our issues, work on them, make us better, enjoy and have fun with each other.  DH — he wanted to go fuck his whore secretary and wanted nothing to do with our marriage.  If it wasn’t blissful or if the grass wasn’t green, he wanted to jump the fence to a greener pasture.

Great Book – hope I will be able to use its advice someday and I will meet someone who wants the marriage to work as much as I do.

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Actions Speak Louder Than Words

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am feeling sad today.  I still have a difficult time trying to make sense of my failed marriage.  I start to dActions speak louder than wordsrift into this sad, lonely place.  I hate to fail at anything.  I am one of those people, who is average in intelligence, but what intelligence I don’t have, I make up for in perseverance.   I believe in “trying, failing, and trying again until you reach success.  I thought marriage was a long-term commitment filled with failures, trying, and successes.

It seems so unfair to me that I didn’t get a second chance; that my husband moved on long before I realized it.  I do blame myself for not seeing the signs (along with blaming myself for a lot of other things too).  I just thought with ALL the changes going on in his life (selling his business at a loss, a short sale, starting a new job, etc.), he needed some space.  Never in my dreams had I thought he was mourning the loss of our marriage months prior to my waking up to any trouble in our marriage.  By the time I woke up, he was long gone.

For him, there was no turning back.  He literally walked out with nothing but the clothes on his back and his little red sports car (that I had to talk him into buying) and has started his new life with his secretary whore, who he now lives with.   This was his 4th marriage, so I guess it was easy for him to walk out on me.  That was his way. He kept telling me he didn’t want a divorce, but his actions differed.  I found it amazing that weeks, months after he asked for a divorce, he still claimed that he didn’t want a divorce!

I guess I thought he would have talked with me, shared his feelings.  But, he chose not to.  For him, it was just plain easier to have an affair and move forward.  It was really quite cowardly; he is a coward, a liar, a cheater, and quite selfish.  Not once did he think about what impact this would have on me!  He is an incredibly selfish person, I see that now.

And, while it’s happening to me, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because unfortunately, marriage takes two to make it work.  And, even though my husband “said” he wanted it to work, his actions differed from his words.  Oh, how I can tell you that is one lesson to learn from all of this:  ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

My therapist constantly tells me how I must WATCH how a person behaves to really understand his character.  (1) Watch how he acts and treats the waitress in public, (2)Watch how he reacts to your right to have an opinion even if he disagrees with your opinion, (3) Watch to see if his actions match his words, (4) Make sure you get something equal in value as he gets from your relationship.

Make your relationship a “win-win” situation.  If he gives what you need and you get your needs met, then you can give in return to meet his needs.  Does he put you first or is it all about him and how everything benefits him?

I guess I am not one of the fortunate ones who get to keep their marriage intact.  I am truly sorry for that.  But, maybe, I will learn so that I can be a better person to another man.  And, hopefully, he won’t be a cheater, a liar, and maybe not even a coward.

I will close by saying, failure is the tuition you pay for success.  Failure makes you better prepared for success next time around.  Maybe, God will bring me someone who will truly love me even though I am a broken, imperfect person.

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“Unkind people …

IAmNotInLoveWithYou:

This is from another blog I follow that I like very much. My therapist tells me that one must work on one’s anger before moving on to forgiveness. You just can’t rush forgiveness if done correctly.

Originally posted on Kissing A Fool:

“Unkind people need your kindness the most, they advertise their pain,” Rick Warren

On why I am choosing to forgive my spouse (eventually).  Not today, maybe not this year but someday.  But I am choosing a path that’s driven by kindness even if that’s not what he chose for me.  It’s a choice I want my children, daughters, to one day find that compassion come from a position of strength and not weakness.

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Thanksgiving 2011 – Something Was Wrong!

Thanksgiving 2011 was probably the worst day of my life at this point.  Actually, it was the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving.  DH and I planned on going to Pennsylvania to see my sister (my Dad has passed away the year before) and her family.  Out of the 5 years DH and I were married, we had spent only 1 Thanksgiving with my family; the other years, we spent with his family (and fyi, we spent every Christmas with his family too with the exception of 1 year and every Easter).

I was packed for the 12 hour drive to my sister’s house.  DH walks in later than usual that Tuesday night (he was probably with the whore secretary)   This particular night, he walked in around 7:15pm in his workout clothes.  He walks in and announces, “I am not going to Pennsylvania with you tomorrow — you go by yourself, I am not going … “

I was devastated!!!  I have no words, but I tell you as I write this now, my stomach is sick and my eyes are filled with tears.  How could he?  We had planned this for months.  We were to leave at 5:30am on Wednesday morning for the 12 hour drive.  The car was packed; the gas tank full; the dog sitters in place.  What the fuck was going on?  I am NOT driving 12 hours by myself.Mack Truck

I cried; I yelled and screamed.  DH finally said that he would go, but at that point, I said, forget it.  I doubt it would have made a difference at this point, but here comes the Mack Truck.

I spent Thanksgiving 2011 by myself, mostly in the fetal position, as DH went to his daughter’s home to have a wonderful dinner.  He came home and said something like, so sorry you missed the wonderful meal, you should have come.  Both his daughters (ages 24 and 28) called me that morning and asked that I come and spend the day with them.  I didn’t have the strength and I thought they understood.   And to spend the day with his 2 daughters, his ex-wife #2 and her husband, and my step daughter’s husbands parents …  way too much for me at that point.  My step-daughters even acknowledged that their Dad shouldn’t have done what he had done!!!!!

The next day, I made my first appointment with a marriage counselor approved by my husband’s insurance.  I thought, “it’s ok, we just need to talk through some of these trivial issues and we will be fine”.  I even talked with DH and asked that we write down what issues we (really, it was what issues did he have) had.

I went to the counselor.  The counselor immediately said his opinion, from what I was telling him, was that my husband was having an affair.  NO, NO, NO.  DH told me he wasn’t having an affair.  I believed in my Judge.  This was the first week of December 2011.

Then, DH told me he would NOT do counseling.  Had tried that with wife #3 and the kids and would NOT ever do that again.  NO, NO, NO.  Ok, I thought, I would be positive and continue counseling by myself.  December 2011 was the first time when I asked my famous phrase, “Do you love me, are you having an affair, do you want a divorce?”  DH’s answer entrenched in my brain, “No, I am not having an affair, No, I do not want a divorce, and Yes, I love you”. 2011-12-27 12.40.22 And, I would hear that phrase on several additional occasions.  ALL LIES!

We talked a lot more in December, made love a lot more and spent $5000 and 5 days in New Orleans.  We did it up right; stayed in a beautiful hotel overlooking the river, made love every morning and every night.  It was a wonderful trip.  I asked him if he was ok with our marriage; all was ok.  In January 2012, I stopped seeing the marriage counselor.  I don’t need that.  DH and I are in love; we are fine.

BUT, WE WERE FAR FROM BEING FINE.  I JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT YET!

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My Short Story – Background

2007 was a life-changing year.   Let me just say that I was a happily single woman, 50 years old and had been single for 16 years !!!!  I was finally happy being single (trust me, I had had my share of good and bad relationships); had plenty of friends to spend time with and I was financially secure.  I was building my dream home.  It was my little home in a golf community where all the homes are craftsman-style with rocking chair fronFrederick_Exterior_Image4t porches and people ride their golf carts to get around.  I spent 8 months building my dream home and was in the process of building when I met DickHead (my husband, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent, will be known as DH).

I was and still am a Realtor. I always said that if I were to meet a man that he would have to come to my front door. Well, guess what… I put my home on the market in March 2007 because my new dream home would be ready in July. Well, guess who wanted to buy my home … DH purchased my home!!!! He was newly single (divorced) and pursued me like no other (now that’s a joke). Since he allowed me to stay in my house until July when my new house was completed, I wanted to thank him by asking him over to dinner after we closed on his house (which was my house). He came over with a beautiful basket filled with dinner wine, dessert wine, chocolate, and flowers.

Oh, he was such a nice man. And, did I mention he was an attorney AND a Judge. Yes a Judge; those people we hold high. Well, looking back, that gave him such instant credibility. I had never met a Judge before, someone who wears the black robe, someone who sits at the courthouse making decisions about people’s lives everyday. Wow ….

We continued to get to know one another by writing emails multiple times a day (we didn’t text in those days). I kept all his emails and some of them are quite sexy and dirty, but it was fun. He told me how he was patient, loving, never holds grudges, rarely gets angry kind of man.

We spoke about his marriage and I found out that he had been married 3 times! Yikes, but wait, he must be an honest man being a Judge and all. I listened intently as he summed up his wives as: #1 – they were just too young, #2 – the bitch who had his 2 children, #3 – crazy, bi-polar and spent all his money and would I be wife #4 – Perfect? He told me I was so attractive to him because I was financially secure, so good about managing money, intelligent, cute, and just down-right cute. Oh, how he went after me. And, Oh, how I fell for him.

And, silly me, I thought being his 4th wife, he would want to make it work and would try harder.  As I found out, being wife #4 meant he could throw me out faster than any other wife.  He was so used to going through a divorce that another “notch” in the divorce list was a trivial thing.

Coumbia Square
October 17, 2007, we were married in Savannah on Columbia Square. The Chief Judge married us and all of his peer Judges came and watched our ceremony … For Better For Worse …. Til Death …  It was quite the night of champagne at the Pink House and more ….

He didn’t want to live in his house (which was my old house) because he said it was too small with he and I, my 2 dogs and my 2 cats.  We ended up selling my dream home in the country club in February 2008 for a $50,000 loss (yes, I took that loss for the love of my life). He couldn’t live in my NEW house because it wasn’t in the same county where he was a Judge and he had to live in the same county!

So, we bought a BIG, beautiful home in July 2008. Yes, I put all my money into the home, not his. I put 89% of the down payment and he put 11% of his money into our BIG, EXPENSIVE HOME. Remember, DH had been divorced 3 times, so he really didn’t have much of anything. He did have almost $1 million dollars in liabilities with his office building he owned, a river house for entertaining his clients, and now our home.
DH and I settled into our new home, our new life. We had wonderful parties with 50-70 people, even a policeman who helped people park their cars and supervise the outdoors while we partied indoors. But, the economy was not kind to us and we had a couple of VERY tough years financially. His business went down-hill; so did mine. We argued about money, but I kept positive knowing that we would get through all of this.

October 2010, the silver lining of the cloud began to shine. He had been offered a job at the county with over 100 people working for him. A regular salary, health insurance, and 8-5 Monday through Friday job. We were truly blessed. He got his staff (his deputy, administrative assistant (ends up being the whore secretary) and his managers) all in place over the course of the next year.

2011, life was looking good although DH had a few loosed ends to wrap up. With the new job, he had to close his attorney business, sell the office building, sell the river house, etc. Lots of changes for him. He had had big dreams and plans with his attorney business and he put all that behind. He sold his office building at a loss and we took money to closing. His partner quit paying on the river house and stuck us with a mortgage of over $3000/month PLUS our own. We ended up doing a short sale of the river house.

As the summer of 2011 came to a close, those things were behind us and we planned a backyard renovation with a 750 square foot patio, screened in porch, new grill ($1700), painted the home inside and out, and in October 2011, put in a Wolf range and hood in the kitchen ($7000) because my hubby wanted a new range ever since we had bought the home. My Dad, being 92 years old, had passed away (God Bless My Dad, the Greatest Man I Know), so we were going to use some of the inheritance for the renovations and to get away to Italy and have a great time together. At least, that’s what I thought.
According to the phone records, he started texting his whore secretary in August 2011. And, that’s about the time I felt like he was drifting away. He didn’t want to do anything with me and it seemed like he kept bringing up the same arguments over and over again. We argued more and more; I felt like he was picking arguments with me.

But, I honestly thought that maybe he was going through some depression because of the change of job, loss of his business, and maybe a bit of a mid-life crisis as he was approaching 60 in 2012. It NEVER crossed my mind that he would be unfaithful with Wife #4. He had been a Judge; he also had to run for re-election in 2012. He held a public office position.

A great deal of my pain stems from how he treated me from August 2011 to May 2012 when I caught him coming out of the motel with his whore secretary. He picked fights, he made me actually feel like I was going crazy sometimes. I kept asking him, “Do you Love Me, Are You Having an Affair, Do You Want a Divorce”. Multiple times, his answers were “Yes, I love you, NO, I do not want a divorce, and NO, I am not having an affair”. Those 3 phrases are burned into my brain and make me literally sick to my stomach every time I think of it.

How can a man be so cruel? 10 months of total hell not knowing, not understanding what was going on. I became a doormat trying to make him happy. I KNEW he wasn’t happy, but I had no idea it had anything to do with me or tossing me out for wife #5!

So, that’s the beginning of my story; the basis of my blog because when he asked me for a divorce on April 1, 2012, he said, “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore; I want a divorce”…. I still at that point did not believe he was having an affair.

Maybe, I can learn how to detect these things before they go too far. Or, maybe, I can learn to be more aware of my husband’s actions and make sure they match what they say. Actions speak louder than words …

Today, my divorce is still pending in the courthouse where he works and the saga goes on.

Thank you for reading and listening without judgment for these are very painful and hurtful times. I feel like I got hit by a Mack Truck and never saw it coming. I am so broken and it hurts so bad.  What adds to the hurt is that DH never looked back, never gave me a second chance or never gave me the consideration to listen to me and talk to me about all of this. He is now living with the whore secretary and I am still in my BIG, BEAUTIFUL, EXPENSIVE home wanting so much to have never met the Judge in my life. He could have kept that graval and black robe to himself.

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Argument Over Credit Card Debt

English: An engagement ring.

English: An engagement ring. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was single 16 years before I married DH (real names have been concealed to protect the cheating spouse as he holds a public elected office).  I was in my 50′s when I married DH; thought it was the real thing.

DH says to me (this was a couple of months ago, maybe February 2013):  I KNEW after 2 WEEKS of marriage it wasn’t going to work because you “disrespected” me in our argument over credit card debt!  What!!

And, what!  It wasn’t even an argument over OUR or his credit card debt.  Not even an argument about OUR finances.  I don’t believe in credit card debt.  You buy what you can afford.  The most I ever did was to take out 12 months same as cash, then pay it off early.  Maybe, that’s why I belong to the “over 800″ credit score club.

When DH and I married, he had over $10,000 in credit card debt that I quickly organized and got rid of.  He really only had about $5000 in credit card debt, but then, August 2007, he proposed to me and wanted to go to his favorite jewelry store.  He told me to pick out “WHATEVER DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING I WANTED”.   Can you imagine?  He was a Judge, an Attorney and he wanted me to pick something out immediately.

At this time, I had no idea what kind of financial situation he was in.  In fact, at that moment, I thought, well, I guess he has a lot of money!  So, I thought about being reasonable, but did pick out a beautiful almost 3 carat diamond ring.  I think that set him back about $8500.00.  Ends up, after we married 2 months after our engagement, it becomes marital debt.  So, I really helped to pay for my own engagement ring.  And, that was ok.  I was “in love“.

Ok, back to the argument.  This argument had to do with Clark Howard (the guru of money- a radio and tv talk host) and the difference between  “secured” and “unsecured” credit card debt.

I argued with him saying “unsecured” credit card debt was better than “secured” credit card debt; that if you had “unsecured” credit card debt, they couldn’t come after you and your house!  He violently disagreed and said they could come after your house and sue you in a court of law.

Ok, I thought I was repeating what Clark Howard had said on the radio. I don’t really want to argue with my new husband, so we ended the argument.  I did some googling over it and the very next day, I come back and say, “honey, I’m sorry.  You are right, they can sue you and come after your house if they want”.  I apologize. I was WRONG.

5 years later, this continues to come up when we are arguing as it was an example of my “disrespecting” my husband just 2 weeks into the marriage.  Oh, my!

DH always said he did NOT hold grudges.  In my mind, this was only 1 of several grudges he holds against me.

I still have my diamond engagement ring; I still look at it remembering the love we had.  But, I need to take it back and exchange it; I no longer need to have a diamond ring that says, “for better for worse”.

I don’t get a choice about my marriage or reconciliation.  There was never any discussion about that; he had fallen “in love” with his whore secretary.  And, I am just a “disrespectful” woman because I thought I had quoted Clark Howard and credit card debt.  Oh, but wait, he was a personal injury attorney, so I guess that makes him an expert on personal credit card debt.  Maybe, it does ….

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