In the Muck Today; Still Trying to Move Forward

Recovery is definitely not a linear thing.  It’s been over 2 years and I am still taking 3 steps forward and 1 step back.  Most days, I feel like I am living a new chapter in my life and am successful at forgetting the last chapter where I made a huge mistake by marrying DH.  Most days, I feel like I am ALMOST there and then, there are days like today.

I am having a couple of bad days that started on Sunday afternoon, I think.  I went to Costco and for the first time since my divorce, I saw DH and his secretary whore (it’s been over a year).  They apparently had come in right behind me and  I stopped to look at something, so they passed me.  I looked right at her not really recognizing her, but I continued to stare at her.  Her hair was really very strange, kind of black and white clumps all poofed up.  Something from the 50′s hairdo except the color was … like I said, black and white/blonde highlights.  I think she recognized me and they scurried past me.  I never saw them again and I carried on doing my regular shopping at Costco.

I didn’t think too much about that, then on Monday, I was checking my Facebook and saw where my employer ( I am a Realtor, so this was my Broker) had just taken a cruise and got engaged!  My Broker and I have a pretty good relationship except just a few months ago, he told me he was getting a divorce and was having an affair.  I knew his wife, also, and had spoken to her several times telling her I was here for her if she ever needed to talk.  I know she was going through a difficult time, but she swiftly got the divorce and “seemed” to move forward.  I was rather shocked that it had only been about 30 days since their divorce was final and now on Facebook, he was announcing his engagement AND it was the happiest day of his life when she said “Yes”.  I guess at this point, I am a little cynical and thinking to myself … I wonder if he said that when he got engaged to his first wife?  I wonder if my ex-husband says that everyday about being with his secretary whore?

Moving down the Facebook post, I noticed the Secretary Whore made a comment like, Isn’t it so wonderful to be in love and congratulations!!  Why the HELL was she commenting about my Broker’s engagement?  I didn’t know they knew each other.  Then it dawned on me.  The secretary whore used to be a real estate agent and had her license inactive with Keller Williams Realty.  I wondered …  I checked my Broker’s website and sure enough, she now works for my Broker !!!  It just felt too close for comfort.  My Broker is a teeny tiny firm and usually only takes “seasoned” Realtors and it’s quite inexpensive to work for him.  So, putting 2 and 2 together, I suppose my ex, DH, probably told his secretary whore to “hang her license” with my Broker because it would be so cheap!!

And, maybe, if that was all there was, I would be feeling better.  But, remember, my ex left me with a 5000 square foot house, a $3000/month mortgage while he is off making all the money and has no responsibility for this place.  I have the house for sale and getting showings, but No Offers Yet!  So, I am also worried that the house will not sell.   So, all this just brings up a lot of anger and I am feeling down.

I am angry at myself.  I don’t cast the “Blame” card at the secretary whore or DH (NOT TOO MUCH) anymore.   I blame myself and take full responsibility for my fuck-up of falling for this “shell of a man”.  This man, who has been married 4 times and cheated 3 times.  I was so stupid to trust this man and put my well being into his hands along with my money.  I was so stupid to trust someone who was a Judge, thinking that he must be an honest and trustworthy man.

Broken Trust

I have been totally broken and kneel before God asking to forgive myself.  I know God has forgiven me.  I know that only I can be accountable for my happiness.  But, today, I stand before God and feel so helpless.  My new faith tells me to trust in God, turn your worries over to God.  I keep trying, but I feel so stuck.  My new house I am building will be ready in 45 days.  What happens if my current home does not sell?  How long will the builder hold the new home for me?  And, I can’t stay here because I can’t afford it.  If I stay here I will quickly lose all my life savings.  It feels like I am between a rock and a hardplace.

I keep praying asking God to please help me, but I don’t think things work that way.  I don’t know what to do, so my mind keeps going in circles about how stupid I was.  Lesson Learned: Never buy a house that it takes 2 to afford it and especially not at my age (58).  What was I thinking?  I had been on my own for 19 years.  I owned ALL my houses and again, I went and trusted this man and bought a house that took the 2 of us to pay the mortgage.  Now, he walks away free and clear and never looks back and I still feel stuck and in pain.

In closing, I listened to Rick Warren’s podcast this morning on happiness.  The 5 steps to take to be happy and live a joyful life.  It was worthwhile.  The 5th step:

5.  Forget what can’t be changed and focus on the present and future.  The past is the past and it can’t be changed,  Letting go and learning to forget will bring you happiness.  Your other option is to hold onto the pain, but then you won’t be happy.  FORGET THE PAST; Look forward to what lies ahead.  We don’t have unlimited energy, so don’t waste your emotional energy on the past.

Dear Heavenly Father,  Please let me keep moving forward and in a positive direction.  Please let me believe good things will happen; let me turn my worry over to you, Lord. Yes, Lord, I have made many mistakes, so please let me continue to clean up this mess I made and let me move gracefully to my Next Chapter in Life.   Please lead me in your direction and let my will be Your Will.  Let me have Peace at least for today.  Thank you. – Joan

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You Want Me to FORGIVE?

IAmNotInLoveWithYou:

I would like to keep this close as I will need to reread and reread. Thank you for posting.

Originally posted on AFFAIRCARE:

forgiveness

I was listening to a podcast from two of my favorite people: Lisa and Stu Gray from STUpendous Marriage, and the top of their podcast this week was “How Can I Forgive My Spouse?”    Honestly I thought that was a great question!  Exactly how IS someone supposed to forgive their spouse when their spouse is the one they trusted the MOST, and trust was betrayed?  Even when the Disloyal Spouse is repentant and ends their affair and wants to reconcile…HOW do you forgive?

Stu and Lisa have some great thoughts such as “Forgiveness takes time” and “We have to forgive them every day”…I’ll let you listen to their podcast to hear their thoughts.  But I thought it might be useful and helpful to look at some Bible verses about forgiving others and comment directly on verses.

Matthew 5:23-24 NIV
Therefore, if you are offering your gift…

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2 Years Today …

I know I haven’t posted in a very long time, but I do read everyone’s blog and comment here and there.  I guess I don’t feel like I am a very good writer.  When the moment strikes, I say to myself, “I need to blog this”, then by the time I get to the blog to write, it has kind of left me, so I don’t post anything.

I want to really thank everyone in this community because you have been life savers for me at times.  I would read and re-read your blogs and they were so comforting to me to know I was going through what you were going through.   And to see the ones that have been able to successfully move on was very comforting.

Today, it’s been 2 years since my husband moved out of my bedroom and into the spare bedroom.  Can you believe it? 2 YEARS !!!  It’s been 2 years since I made love to my husband, which we were doing almost every day in May 2012.  And, it was 2 years ago today, that I filed for divorce siting the cause, Adultery. And it was 2 years ago, when I sat there and watched my husband coming out of a cheap motel with his secretary on a Saturday morning!

It’s been a long journey and my journey still continues.  He moved out in March 2013 to go live with his secretary.  August 2013, my divorce was final.  I feel pretty good about the divorce settlement; I got alimony and I got some money to go towards attorney fees of $40,000.  The secretary whore continues to live with her public-elected official boss in a rental house.  I still feel that it is SOOOO WRONG that a county official can live with his secretary since he is the one who pays her and gives her her reviews.  I just don’t understand how the County doesn’t see that as a “Conflict of Interest”.  I wouldn’t think she would have to work very hard; yet continue to earn that big salary being his Executive Assistant.  But, I can no longer let his life dictate mine.  That’s it in a netshell.  In the last 2 years, I have turned to God and my faith has strengthened me.  I just love that.  And, maybe, all this was meant to be to bring me closer to God (since I found out that my husband did not believe in God, which he lied to me about when we got married).  He lied to me on our second date when I asked him if he had ever cheated on any of his other wives.  I found out later that he had cheated on wife #2 and not sure about wife #3, who he always said was crazy.

I now have the marital residence up for sale.   As part of the divorce, I was given the house, but I have to get the ex-husband’s name off the mortgage or sell the house within 9 months of the divorce.  The house is like 5000 square feet.  We bought it so he could entertain all his friends, who were Judges and Lawyers and now I am stuck with getting it sold.

I am building a new house; a ranch with a bonus room.  It’s modest, but absolutely perfect for me.  But, I have to sell this house to get my equity before I can buy my new house. That is giving me a lot of anxiety, but I try to leave it to God to care of.  It’s funny how I never really had anxiety before all this started.  Now, it is a part of my daily life.  I am getting older, so maybe that has something to do with it too.  But, I manage by praying and a Xanax every once in a while (smile).

I am also one of the Facilitators at my church for DivorceCare.  It’s a 13 week program to help people who are going through divorce or contemplating it.  You can get more information on this program by going to http://www.DivorceCare.org.  Put in your zip code and it will tell you where your groups meet.  I have met some really wonderful people in DivorceCare.  I’ve actually been through it 3 times.

I read a lot; I think to try to put some resolution in my mind as to what happened.  It’s mind boggling to me that a man could be so deceptive, so mean, and fucked me over so well.  I was so fooled because he was a Judge when I met him, so I just believed everything he said.  I am so disappointed that it was my 2nd marriage and it failed miserably.  I wanted to try and make it work, but by the time I found out my marriage was in trouble, he had already moved on.  So, I still struggle with all of that.

But, for the most part, I truly believe that things work out for the best.  Why would I have wanted to waste more time on someone who doesn’t believe in God, lies, cheats, etc?  So, I think once I sell this house and get into “MY” cute house, I will think about all of this less and less.

In the meantime, some days, I feel like I am hanging on by a thread and others feel pretty normal.  I never wanted to be divorced, but I had no choice.  And since then, I have learned so much: (1) about having good relationships, (2) a lot of mistakes I made, (3) my spiritual growth is amazing.

Since 2 years ago when he moved out of the bedroom, we have never spoken to one another.  He never repented, never said he was sorry … NOTHING.  And even now, I only get letters from his attorney if he wants something.  I’ll close for now but I think what I struggle with the most is that “forgiveness” thing.  I just can’t seem to get there.  And, that fine line between vengeance and justice is still looming …

Thanks again for all you being there. – Joan

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Contempt of Court – Violation of Mutual Restraining Order

When you get divorced in my State, you sign a “mutual restraining order” when you file for divorce.  That restraining order is supposed to keep husband and wife, soon to be X, in line, so that no harm is done to either party during the course of the divorce.

Broken Trust

Ummm… no harm done.  Harm has already been done when the divorce papers were filed and my husband had been out fucking around, then lying to my face that he wasn’t for almost a year.

It says, “Restraining each party from maltreating, vilifying, intimidating, molesting, or harassing the other party.

May 2012, I hired a PI who has my husband on video coming out of the motel on a Saturday morning with the whore secretary “arm in arm” while DH (husband) says he was sleeping at his daughter’s home.  Given that I was so hurt, that in September 2011, I put the video on YouTube (yes, it’s still there and it’s not going anywhere).

In December 2012, I wrote a customary Christmas letter to my friends to tell them what an eventful year this had been.  My husband got a new job with the county supervising 105 people (including his whore secretary) and that, “oh, BTW”, my husband is having an affair with the secretary (left out the whore part) and we were pending divorce.  Thought that was applicable for a Christmas letter.

December 21, 2012, I get a letter from my attorney: CONTEMPT OF COURT has been filed AGAINST you for your Christmas letter !!!  OK.  So, now, it’s June 2013 and I get to go to court to because I put the video on YouTube AND I wrote a Christmas letter.

I admit, I was feeling a little scared this morning, but there’s nothing like a little Xanax to take that edge off.  I met my attorney at the courthouse an hour early so we can go over the testimony.  My attorney was confident that: (1) I have only taken what my husband has done and shared it with others, (2) I have in no way threatened him to DO anything to him, (3) I only commented on what he has done and is doing, (4) I was REPORTING on what he does openly and continues to do, (5) I never lied, (6) have I lost my right to free speech?

9:00am: Ready to head to Courtroom 1A (didn’t get a glimpse of the whore secretary).  They brought in a Senior Judge because no Judge in our county would listen to our case.    We get settled in our chairs and DH’s attorney, Mr. Menopause (see my Characters to find out more about him), asked the Judge if he can speak with my attorney.  They leave and then in 5 minutes, my attorney sticks his head in and motions for me to come out of the courtroom.

What happens next is unbelievable to me.  My attorney tells me that they want to drop all contempt charges and just forget about all of it and go home.  Except, by the way, I need to take the video off the internet.

You would think I would be happy, but what I felt was anger, disappointment.  I was pissed.  I spent all this time getting ready for court (I’ve NEVER testified for anything before in my life and I am 57 years old).  They are the ones who filed and now they want to drop it!!!  How dare they?  This was my chance to tell the Judge what an ass my husband was.

As far as taking the video off the internet of DH coming out of the motel with his whore secretary, NO WAY, NO FUCKING WAY, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Well, that was my day in court at least for now.  Disappointed, again, my husband gets off free and clear, no harm done.  And for me, I’m sure another 100 gray hairs, frazzled nerves, and yet another day where I feel like I am in some other universe, not accomplishing anything worthwhile on this earth.

I spoke to my attorney for about 30 minutes afterwards and clearly he doesn’t understand.  Who does understand what all this betrayal feels like?  I know some of you do.  My attorney then texted me, “I know you want the world to know what DH did.  You do know that if we don’t settle in mediation, we can have a jury trial”.

I can’t quite put it into words, but my attorney doesn’t get it.  I’m not sure I want the world to know how bad DH behaved…. maybe what I really want is for DH to believe how badly he behaved.  That some reality of his would come about.  I used to think he was such a wonderful, loving person.  And now, I am a shell of a person and he gets to move on un-scarred.  Maybe, that’s it.  I don’t’ think many people understand what this kind of betrayal can do to a person’s soul.  It haunts you.  You never know when it’s going to hit.  And, I still can’t get HOW someone like DH could be so selfish to do this to me.  It’s not only what he did (the affair), it’s how he treated me so mean for 10 months while he was having an affair and how I was in such pain trying to make this man happy.  How do you or can you make yourself whole again after this.

I blame myself for being so stupid not to see it and to have taken better care of me — how dare I let a man do such controlling…  That’s another thing,  I just want to SQUELCH him because of all that controlling he did to me.  I am not a damn doormat anymore.  And, that’s why that video is going to stay on YouTube forever.

I would certainly appreciate any comments on how you go from feeling like a shell to a real, whole person who can again conquer the world alone ….  thanks for listening…

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.  Isaac Asimov

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Where is the Freakin’ “Marriage Manual”?

For Women Onlyby Shaunti Feldhahn

My Book Review, “For Women Only”

This book was an eye-opener.  Easy reading.  I would actually take the book with me to the park and read while I was walking.  Wish I would have read this book before I got married.  Even though I was in my 50′s when I got married, I had been single for 16 years and really had no experience in marriage.  Funny to say, “Experience in Marriage”.  And, my lack of experience or knowledge seemed to have led to a miserably-failed marriage, i.e., betrayal, infidelity, dishonesty, and the list goes on.

I would highly recommend this book and if you are a guy, there’s a book for you, too, called “For Men Only”.

I look back on my marriage and see how ill-equipped I was.  I didn’t really understand what makes a marriage work nor did I understand that there were resources out there that could help.

What’s really funny is that I thought my husband would teach me the ways.  My goodness, he had been married 3 times and I was wife #4 (thought his “final” wife).  He would certainly know by NOW how to make a marriage work!

How absolutely foolish of me that was,  Are you kidding?  How Did That Work for You (as Dr. Phil puts it).  But, really, I believed in my husband, probably too much.   I put him on a pedestal.  I thought what he knew about relationships would carry us through to a blissful marriage.  DH was … oh, so convincing that I was the woman of his dreams.  He truly swept me off my feet.  He told me I was the only one for him, blah, blah, blah.  He made all those vows to provide for me and love me the rest of our lives…. (blah, blah, blah)

But, guess what?  DH never had a clue either as to how to make a relationship work and I don’t think he understood what real intimacy was.  His solution was to go find another model and that he did, and no less than the whore secretary at work.

Think about this.  I spent more than 17 years in school, being educated and not 1 class on marriage!  Oh, I had the math, calculus, statistics, accounting, English, French, on and on, but not one class on marriage.  OK, I suppose that means that we learn from our parents.  I don’t know about your parents, but mine were married for 42 years (Bless my Mom and Dad, I loved them dearly; they are in heaven now).  Was it a blissful 42 years?  Hell no.  But, they were in it for the long haul, so I guess I learned that if you were married, you were dedicated to the marriage.  NOT!  DH and I were only together 4 years, married 5 (he has been with the secretary whore now for over a year).

Marriage requires work and connection.  I don’t think I ever really grasped what that meant.  It doesn’t mean hard, grueling work that at the end of the day, you would cry from heartbreak (however, I did that on numerous occasions).  It’s a different kind of work. When both of you are doing that “work”, it’s probably not work at all because it’s gratifying, fruitful, and fills you up with joy.  Maybe, it’s simply called “Communication of the Hearts” and to make time to go have fun with each other.

I think this book actually tries to define what it means to be a husband and a wife and what we should be striving for.  It gives us the very basics when dealing with men.  I especially liked the chapters on (1) Sex and What It Means to be Visual and (2) Respect.

In looking back, I guess we both messed up pretty badly.  The only difference between him and me is that I wanted to discuss our issues, work on them, make us better, enjoy and have fun with each other.  DH — he wanted to go fuck his whore secretary and wanted nothing to do with our marriage.  If it wasn’t blissful or if the grass wasn’t green, he wanted to jump the fence to a greener pasture.

Great Book – hope I will be able to use its advice someday and I will meet someone who wants the marriage to work as much as I do.

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Actions Speak Louder Than Words

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am feeling sad today.  I still have a difficult time trying to make sense of my failed marriage.  I start to dActions speak louder than wordsrift into this sad, lonely place.  I hate to fail at anything.  I am one of those people, who is average in intelligence, but what intelligence I don’t have, I make up for in perseverance.   I believe in “trying, failing, and trying again until you reach success.  I thought marriage was a long-term commitment filled with failures, trying, and successes.

It seems so unfair to me that I didn’t get a second chance; that my husband moved on long before I realized it.  I do blame myself for not seeing the signs (along with blaming myself for a lot of other things too).  I just thought with ALL the changes going on in his life (selling his business at a loss, a short sale, starting a new job, etc.), he needed some space.  Never in my dreams had I thought he was mourning the loss of our marriage months prior to my waking up to any trouble in our marriage.  By the time I woke up, he was long gone.

For him, there was no turning back.  He literally walked out with nothing but the clothes on his back and his little red sports car (that I had to talk him into buying) and has started his new life with his secretary whore, who he now lives with.   This was his 4th marriage, so I guess it was easy for him to walk out on me.  That was his way. He kept telling me he didn’t want a divorce, but his actions differed.  I found it amazing that weeks, months after he asked for a divorce, he still claimed that he didn’t want a divorce!

I guess I thought he would have talked with me, shared his feelings.  But, he chose not to.  For him, it was just plain easier to have an affair and move forward.  It was really quite cowardly; he is a coward, a liar, a cheater, and quite selfish.  Not once did he think about what impact this would have on me!  He is an incredibly selfish person, I see that now.

And, while it’s happening to me, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because unfortunately, marriage takes two to make it work.  And, even though my husband “said” he wanted it to work, his actions differed from his words.  Oh, how I can tell you that is one lesson to learn from all of this:  ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

My therapist constantly tells me how I must WATCH how a person behaves to really understand his character.  (1) Watch how he acts and treats the waitress in public, (2)Watch how he reacts to your right to have an opinion even if he disagrees with your opinion, (3) Watch to see if his actions match his words, (4) Make sure you get something equal in value as he gets from your relationship.

Make your relationship a “win-win” situation.  If he gives what you need and you get your needs met, then you can give in return to meet his needs.  Does he put you first or is it all about him and how everything benefits him?

I guess I am not one of the fortunate ones who get to keep their marriage intact.  I am truly sorry for that.  But, maybe, I will learn so that I can be a better person to another man.  And, hopefully, he won’t be a cheater, a liar, and maybe not even a coward.

I will close by saying, failure is the tuition you pay for success.  Failure makes you better prepared for success next time around.  Maybe, God will bring me someone who will truly love me even though I am a broken, imperfect person.

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“Unkind people …

IAmNotInLoveWithYou:

This is from another blog I follow that I like very much. My therapist tells me that one must work on one’s anger before moving on to forgiveness. You just can’t rush forgiveness if done correctly.

Originally posted on Kissing A Fool:

“Unkind people need your kindness the most, they advertise their pain,” Rick Warren

On why I am choosing to forgive my spouse (eventually).  Not today, maybe not this year but someday.  But I am choosing a path that’s driven by kindness even if that’s not what he chose for me.  It’s a choice I want my children, daughters, to one day find that compassion come from a position of strength and not weakness.

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