Recovery is definitely not a linear thing. It’s been over 2 years and I am still taking 3 steps forward and 1 step back. Most days, I feel like I am living a new chapter in my life and am successful at forgetting the last chapter where I made a huge mistake by marrying DH. Most days, I feel like I am ALMOST there and then, there are days like today.
I am having a couple of bad days that started on Sunday afternoon, I think. I went to Costco and for the first time since my divorce, I saw DH and his secretary whore (it’s been over a year). They apparently had come in right behind me and I stopped to look at something, so they passed me. I looked right at her not really recognizing her, but I continued to stare at her. Her hair was really very strange, kind of black and white clumps all poofed up. Something from the 50′s hairdo except the color was … like I said, black and white/blonde highlights. I think she recognized me and they scurried past me. I never saw them again and I carried on doing my regular shopping at Costco.
I didn’t think too much about that, then on Monday, I was checking my Facebook and saw where my employer ( I am a Realtor, so this was my Broker) had just taken a cruise and got engaged! My Broker and I have a pretty good relationship except just a few months ago, he told me he was getting a divorce and was having an affair. I knew his wife, also, and had spoken to her several times telling her I was here for her if she ever needed to talk. I know she was going through a difficult time, but she swiftly got the divorce and “seemed” to move forward. I was rather shocked that it had only been about 30 days since their divorce was final and now on Facebook, he was announcing his engagement AND it was the happiest day of his life when she said “Yes”. I guess at this point, I am a little cynical and thinking to myself … I wonder if he said that when he got engaged to his first wife? I wonder if my ex-husband says that everyday about being with his secretary whore?
Moving down the Facebook post, I noticed the Secretary Whore made a comment like, Isn’t it so wonderful to be in love and congratulations!! Why the HELL was she commenting about my Broker’s engagement? I didn’t know they knew each other. Then it dawned on me. The secretary whore used to be a real estate agent and had her license inactive with Keller Williams Realty. I wondered … I checked my Broker’s website and sure enough, she now works for my Broker !!! It just felt too close for comfort. My Broker is a teeny tiny firm and usually only takes “seasoned” Realtors and it’s quite inexpensive to work for him. So, putting 2 and 2 together, I suppose my ex, DH, probably told his secretary whore to “hang her license” with my Broker because it would be so cheap!!
And, maybe, if that was all there was, I would be feeling better. But, remember, my ex left me with a 5000 square foot house, a $3000/month mortgage while he is off making all the money and has no responsibility for this place. I have the house for sale and getting showings, but No Offers Yet! So, I am also worried that the house will not sell. So, all this just brings up a lot of anger and I am feeling down.
I am angry at myself. I don’t cast the “Blame” card at the secretary whore or DH (NOT TOO MUCH) anymore. I blame myself and take full responsibility for my fuck-up of falling for this “shell of a man”. This man, who has been married 4 times and cheated 3 times. I was so stupid to trust this man and put my well being into his hands along with my money. I was so stupid to trust someone who was a Judge, thinking that he must be an honest and trustworthy man.
I have been totally broken and kneel before God asking to forgive myself. I know God has forgiven me. I know that only I can be accountable for my happiness. But, today, I stand before God and feel so helpless. My new faith tells me to trust in God, turn your worries over to God. I keep trying, but I feel so stuck. My new house I am building will be ready in 45 days. What happens if my current home does not sell? How long will the builder hold the new home for me? And, I can’t stay here because I can’t afford it. If I stay here I will quickly lose all my life savings. It feels like I am between a rock and a hardplace.
I keep praying asking God to please help me, but I don’t think things work that way. I don’t know what to do, so my mind keeps going in circles about how stupid I was. Lesson Learned: Never buy a house that it takes 2 to afford it and especially not at my age (58). What was I thinking? I had been on my own for 19 years. I owned ALL my houses and again, I went and trusted this man and bought a house that took the 2 of us to pay the mortgage. Now, he walks away free and clear and never looks back and I still feel stuck and in pain.
In closing, I listened to Rick Warren’s podcast this morning on happiness. The 5 steps to take to be happy and live a joyful life. It was worthwhile. The 5th step:
5. Forget what can’t be changed and focus on the present and future. The past is the past and it can’t be changed, Letting go and learning to forget will bring you happiness. Your other option is to hold onto the pain, but then you won’t be happy. FORGET THE PAST; Look forward to what lies ahead. We don’t have unlimited energy, so don’t waste your emotional energy on the past.
Dear Heavenly Father, Please let me keep moving forward and in a positive direction. Please let me believe good things will happen; let me turn my worry over to you, Lord. Yes, Lord, I have made many mistakes, so please let me continue to clean up this mess I made and let me move gracefully to my Next Chapter in Life. Please lead me in your direction and let my will be Your Will. Let me have Peace at least for today. Thank you. – Joan